detaching me

Being detached is the worst feel a person can have when all they want to do it live. I cannot remember a time when I felt like I belonged in my family. I was always the princess, the one put on the throne at times, yes but that only made me more separated from the rest of them. Every teen has felt like they don't belong, I get that but then they have that one group or one friend that they just click with. And I haven't found that. Sure I am comfortable with a couple of people but I always feel like I am forcing the laughter and smiles they all love. I know I am only 16 and I am not supposed to know who I am, I am supposed to be figuring that out; but nothing I try feels right. it doesn't feel like me.

My parents? They had fun as a teen. They got to do whatever they wanted with whoever whenever. Yet, they watch me like a hawk. Tracked, stalked, questioned. And sure they love me but they will never trust me no matter how good of a person I am. They will tell me stories of how they were, reckless, fun, crazy. I hear stories from others about their high school years and they all had so much fun. They weren't hard core focused on studies, or if they were they still had a life. But I cannot but feel more isolated from everyone. I don't go to parties. I don't drink. I dont do drugs. I dont have sex. I just read. And go to work. which sounds like the beginning of a wattpad story right? yea but just not my story. My story is made up of sleepless nights, grades, words, and nothingness.

The purple was cool for awhile. Some people loved it, while others hated it. Until I dyed it black then everyone "missed the purple". How in the hell can you miss the hair that wasn't even yours. Yes my hair is black now. Yes I had a reason. But that doesn't mean I have to tell you. But here it is anyway, this is the most me that i have felt in a long time. Most of the time i dont know how to show me how to be me. But me is the piercings and dyed hair and the tattoos. But i cannot be me in a world of people who dont know me.

The more i do or say how i feel the more i being pushed away from everyone. I see people together and the flow so easily that they belong and i see that and then i get this yucky feeling of not belonging, of being isolated.

I have always felt like my parents had me on accident. Which they did. I wasn't planned but few are. And yea for awhile i was the center of their world. Everyone loved me. But then i got older, i saw the world and didn't agree on a few things. So i am told to shut up and keep it to myself so i don't start a fight or make anyone feel out of place but i am not in the anyonw i guess . because i feel nothing nbut loneliness around them. Hell i cannot even tell someone my feelings. i a writing them in a blog, so a lot of typos that no one will ever read because its my little secret.bye